Lost and confused

One year ago, this was me. Lost confused hopeless. I found myself at the bottom of the pit. I had spent the past ten years of my life as a devoted mother wife and friend. What I thought was no matter how hard life got. I could hold it all together.

What I failed to realize is my life was not as everyone saw it to be. There were many secrets I kept from family, friends, coworkers, and acquaintances. I didn’t want those whom I loved to know my life wasn’t so perfect. I had a husband addicted to drugs and alcohol. I used as well, although my use of drugs was to numb the pain of a failing marriage. As well as the hard loss of my mother. I was giving up. The year of 2015 changed me. This wasn’t the year that changed my marriage that was the previous year.

May 2014 my husband had to make a life altering decision. He shot a man. It was justified homicide. The man he shot had a gun to his father’s head, then turned the gun to my husband. My husband shot him twice in the chest and the man died.

Two weeks after my husband started drinking and doing drugs heavily. I know that he was hurting. I couldn’t take that away from him. Then he cheated on me with my stepfather’s then girlfriend turned wife. The day my husband confessed was two days before our 5th anniversary. He was out of his mind delusional. Right after he told me he put the pistol in his mouth. Here I was in complete devastation over what he and just confessed to me. I was about to witness the man I loved put a bullet in his head. The only thoughts that ran through my head was how could a man who had everything completely ruin his life. What did I do to deserve to be cheated on? Only then to witness my husband putting a bullet in his head. I tackled him I got the gun out of his mouth and all I could do was hug him I didn’t know what else to do.

That day haunts me, I would like to say that I would like to forget that but that’s impossible. I still cry even so today six years later. You never realize how much it hurts until you press replay. Forever changed my heart. I tried to forget this ever happened after all we had been the model couple. People wanted the kind of relationship we had before this happened. We were forever changed from that point.

That was hard to live with and at that point I started to do drugs more than I had ever before. I had used drugs before that but not on a regular basis. I was the weekend warrior. The social partier who was discrete. No one knew in my professional life that I had ever been a partaker. I kept my business and my pleasure separated.

It was July 2015 that put the icing on the cake for me. I lost my mother my best friend my confidant and my rock. Completely devastating to my family. She contracted MRSA in her lungs after a surgery that was done at a local hospital. I was with my mother for 13 days in the hospital I was there until she took her last breath. I felt like I had taken my last breath with her. My life after that I didn’t even care. The only thing I had going for me that was keeping me afloat was being a part of the worship ministry with my church. My brothers and sisters we’re holding me up. My husband became so jealous of the time I was spending with my brothers and sisters at church. That he told me he was no longer going to give me a ride to practice or to church. I was too weak I just gave up and gave in. I started to use drugs daily didn’t care about my life didn’t care about my job didn’t care about my house. Definitely didn’t care about my husband anymore. The next four years were a blur. The more drugs that the two of us begin to do the more the abuse came on. Black eyes broken nose strangulation countless times. I didn’t care about why I wanted to die.

I left my husband December 23rd 2018. The 90 put a double barrel shotgun to my head and said he was going to blow my head off I managed to escape. Three weeks later his father died. I had been taking care of his father. I believe he gave up hope. The day that his father died I went out to the house. I waited until the coroner took his father’s body away and I left. A couple weeks after that my husband asked me to meet him at the church to make his father’s funeral arrangements I agreed. He convinced me to that point that he was going to let me have my belongings. So I drove out to the house packed everything I own that was sentimental to me. I went and open the gate I had my keys in my hand I was going to leave not say a word.

My husband came out the back door slam me to the ground. He then riped all of the wires out from underneath the dash of my van. Drug me in the house and he commenced to beating on me. I’ll never forget what he was saying till death do we part. He had screwed all the windows shut in the house screwed the front door shut. He put a double keyed entry on the back door and kept the key in his pocket. He would lock me in the house he took my phone and went through every single square inch of my phone every app every message everything that he could have to make him angry at me is what he was looking for. Every time he would come back into the house he would beat me more. This went on for 9 days I don’t know how I convinced him to give me my phone back and to let me go outside.

When I got away a I ran as far and as fast as I could. He chased after me with his truck my neighbor was outside I asked him was he going to run me over in front of our neighbor. I told him he would surely spend the rest of his life in prison.

That was the beginning of my journey to become sober. I’ve been sober for a year and two months now. I went from being a hopeless woman who wanted to take her own life. To having a purpose in life. One month after getting sober I started college for healthcare human services. I’m not where I was in life. I am now exceeding my own expectations. Failure is not an option for me. Without God I would not be able to write this today. God was my rehab God is my rehab.